Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film Retreats Back into its Shell!!!!!
That's right, folks...THAT is a link to a news article about the Ninja Turtles movie being "shelved indefinitely," perhaps due to "fan uproar." If you'll remember previous posts I have written about Michael Bay's worthlessness both as a director, and as a man, and I believe it's safe to say I am completely responsible for keeping him from sinking his devil fangs into yet another of our beloved childhood franchises. So...you're fucking welcome. Send money. If you missed my rather eloquent write-ups on Michael Bay, here are a couple links to where you can find them.
That's right, folks...THAT is a link to a news article about the Ninja Turtles movie being "shelved indefinitely," perhaps due to "fan uproar." If you'll remember previous posts I have written about Michael Bay's worthlessness both as a director, and as a man, and I believe it's safe to say I am completely responsible for keeping him from sinking his devil fangs into yet another of our beloved childhood franchises. So...you're fucking welcome. Send money. If you missed my rather eloquent write-ups on Michael Bay, here are a couple links to where you can find them.
As always, I've included links to the news articles listed here, so feel free to go read for yourself...or just do what I suggest...kick back, and let me control all the news you receive...so I can one day control you all like one, mighty, brain dead, puppet army!
Without further ado...the news!
Carrots Bad for Rabbits?! Bugs Bunny Was Wrong
I know...I know...this was hard for me to take as well. As expected, every member of ANY generation that has a computer, and thus, is able to read this, grew up learning the nutritional habits of rabbits from Bugs Bunny. Turns out, Bugs has betrayed us all! Feeding carrots, and other root vegetables to rabbits leads to digestive problems and tooth decay. They're just supposed to eat hay...Okay wait, so I see what's going on here. Hay is the most healthy choice...That's like saying "pretzel M&Ms aren't part of a human's natural diet, and can cause diabetes and tooth decay. You should just eat spinach salads." Well fuck that. Bugs Bunny might have some gnarly teeth and gas so awful it leads Elmer Fudd right to him, but at least he enjoyed him a tasty carrot.
Romney Draws Boos from NAACP, Support From Conservatives
First of all...how is this news? I'm pretty sure anyone with any knowledge of a) Mitt Romney, and b) the NAACP could have written this story without actually having even been there. The boos came when he targeted taking funding away from Obamacare. There's a video of it in the article if you care to check it out. I'm not Romney's biggest fan, but I have to give him some kudos for walking into a room and delivering a speech to an entire room of people who will not vote for the guy who is clearly the whitest person to ever exist...ever. Of course, he did get a solid genital rubdown from Fox News afterward, for how tough he was to put himself in the situation. Good work, Mittens.
Fan's Death Puts Spotlight on Comic Con Chaos, Twilight
Setting: San Diego Comic Con... Plot: A Twilight fan gets hit by a car and dies. Sounds like a comedy, yeah? Well, it's not...unless you're a sick bastard...are you? The reason I chose this article isn't because a dark little part of me snickered when I heard a Twilight fan got hit by a car...promise. I chose it because, in order to humanize the 53 year old woman, (Yes, I said 53) they took information from her Twitter profile and included it in the article. She is a self-confessed "Compatriot of the Twi-hard Contingent," (gross) and she loves Twilight books and movies, Hugh Jackman, Robert Pattinson, Travelling, NYC, Australia, and Cats. So, to my point...when you die, everyone is going to know you're an old woman who loves glittery young boys and cats. Designate a close friend who is in charge of deleting your online profiles and browser history immediately upon news of your death. It's the right thing to do.
Why Zombies, Robots, Clowns Freak Us Out
According to a study, Zombies, Robots, and Clowns freak us out because they're almost human, but not quite. Wow...wow...I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll just go in order. Why Zombies freak us out? Because they want to FUCKING EAT US?! MAYBE? And they groan all the time...and drag their feet around...and don't care if they're naked. That's just weird, man. I can't imagine standing in a dark hallway, with a horde of zombies slowly pressing in on me, and me thinking, "They're just so scary because they still have human qualities!" Okay...Robots. Easy one. Robots are scary because sooner or later, they're going to turn on us, and they have the strength to rip our limbs off. Clowns? I don't really understand this one...Clowns freak us out because they have human qualities, but they're not quite human? When, in real life, have you encountered a clown that wasn't human? Clowns are scary because they're either from space, and here to torture and kill us, or they're actually a giant telepathic spider who is going to give you nightmares until you inevitably have to kill yourself, or go find its lair and try to kill it.
We're running out of time...
Let's go Full Auto!!!
Poo You'll Pay For
A Chinese man has begun selling his own brand of tea, fertilized by Panda poop...for around 200 dollars a cup. If you're willing to pay 200 dollars to drink a cup of shit tea, you deserve to drink shit tea. That's all.
Parents Charged in UAE After Hidden Baby Found in Carry On
Nope, I didn't just pick some random picture of a baby x-ray...that's the actual baby x-ray...In their defense...he looks rather comfortable. Wait, what am I saying?! That's fucked up...The fact that one parent suggested it, and the other thought it was a good idea...someone needs to be "fixed."
Should Smoking Trigger an "R" Rating?
No. That's retarded...unless the "R" rating stands for retarded...in which case...I suppose I could get behind that. Because, if you smoke, you're retarded. (p.s. kids, don't say retarded...it's not nice. Stay in school)
Tattoos and Piercings: How Young is Too Young?
Tattoos: As soon as you don't live with your parents. Piercings: 15. NEXT!
Denise Rich Renounces U.S. Citizenship
A) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
B) WHY IS IT SO SHIIIIIINY?!
C) WHY IS MY CAPS LOCK ON?!
D) Wait...who?
Less Sitting May Lead to Longer Life
No shit. If this is what counts for news, perhaps I should look into being a real reporter. I hear they get paychecks.
Wildcard!
Aaaaand, here are a few more funny pictures...
 |
| WTF?! No more carrot nomz? |
I know...I know...this was hard for me to take as well. As expected, every member of ANY generation that has a computer, and thus, is able to read this, grew up learning the nutritional habits of rabbits from Bugs Bunny. Turns out, Bugs has betrayed us all! Feeding carrots, and other root vegetables to rabbits leads to digestive problems and tooth decay. They're just supposed to eat hay...Okay wait, so I see what's going on here. Hay is the most healthy choice...That's like saying "pretzel M&Ms aren't part of a human's natural diet, and can cause diabetes and tooth decay. You should just eat spinach salads." Well fuck that. Bugs Bunny might have some gnarly teeth and gas so awful it leads Elmer Fudd right to him, but at least he enjoyed him a tasty carrot.
 |
| Wait...doesn't he look like.......this meme? |
Romney Draws Boos from NAACP, Support From Conservatives
First of all...how is this news? I'm pretty sure anyone with any knowledge of a) Mitt Romney, and b) the NAACP could have written this story without actually having even been there. The boos came when he targeted taking funding away from Obamacare. There's a video of it in the article if you care to check it out. I'm not Romney's biggest fan, but I have to give him some kudos for walking into a room and delivering a speech to an entire room of people who will not vote for the guy who is clearly the whitest person to ever exist...ever. Of course, he did get a solid genital rubdown from Fox News afterward, for how tough he was to put himself in the situation. Good work, Mittens.
.jpg) |
| Seems like a legitimately difficult choice to me...oh yeah, neither? |
Setting: San Diego Comic Con... Plot: A Twilight fan gets hit by a car and dies. Sounds like a comedy, yeah? Well, it's not...unless you're a sick bastard...are you? The reason I chose this article isn't because a dark little part of me snickered when I heard a Twilight fan got hit by a car...promise. I chose it because, in order to humanize the 53 year old woman, (Yes, I said 53) they took information from her Twitter profile and included it in the article. She is a self-confessed "Compatriot of the Twi-hard Contingent," (gross) and she loves Twilight books and movies, Hugh Jackman, Robert Pattinson, Travelling, NYC, Australia, and Cats. So, to my point...when you die, everyone is going to know you're an old woman who loves glittery young boys and cats. Designate a close friend who is in charge of deleting your online profiles and browser history immediately upon news of your death. It's the right thing to do.
Why Zombies, Robots, Clowns Freak Us Out
According to a study, Zombies, Robots, and Clowns freak us out because they're almost human, but not quite. Wow...wow...I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll just go in order. Why Zombies freak us out? Because they want to FUCKING EAT US?! MAYBE? And they groan all the time...and drag their feet around...and don't care if they're naked. That's just weird, man. I can't imagine standing in a dark hallway, with a horde of zombies slowly pressing in on me, and me thinking, "They're just so scary because they still have human qualities!" Okay...Robots. Easy one. Robots are scary because sooner or later, they're going to turn on us, and they have the strength to rip our limbs off. Clowns? I don't really understand this one...Clowns freak us out because they have human qualities, but they're not quite human? When, in real life, have you encountered a clown that wasn't human? Clowns are scary because they're either from space, and here to torture and kill us, or they're actually a giant telepathic spider who is going to give you nightmares until you inevitably have to kill yourself, or go find its lair and try to kill it.
We're running out of time...
Let's go Full Auto!!!
Poo You'll Pay For
A Chinese man has begun selling his own brand of tea, fertilized by Panda poop...for around 200 dollars a cup. If you're willing to pay 200 dollars to drink a cup of shit tea, you deserve to drink shit tea. That's all.
Parents Charged in UAE After Hidden Baby Found in Carry On
Nope, I didn't just pick some random picture of a baby x-ray...that's the actual baby x-ray...In their defense...he looks rather comfortable. Wait, what am I saying?! That's fucked up...The fact that one parent suggested it, and the other thought it was a good idea...someone needs to be "fixed."
Should Smoking Trigger an "R" Rating?
No. That's retarded...unless the "R" rating stands for retarded...in which case...I suppose I could get behind that. Because, if you smoke, you're retarded. (p.s. kids, don't say retarded...it's not nice. Stay in school)
 |
| So...if he's a self confessed "Pussy Eater," and he has two teardrops...does that mean he's eaten two pussies? That doesn't really amount to bragging rights, buddy. (caption p.s. Is that really how you spells "pussies?" Because...I would pronounce that differently and it's not nearly as attractive.) |
Tattoos and Piercings: How Young is Too Young?
Tattoos: As soon as you don't live with your parents. Piercings: 15. NEXT!
Denise Rich Renounces U.S. Citizenship
A) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
B) WHY IS IT SO SHIIIIIINY?!
C) WHY IS MY CAPS LOCK ON?!
D) Wait...who?
Less Sitting May Lead to Longer Life
No shit. If this is what counts for news, perhaps I should look into being a real reporter. I hear they get paychecks.
Wildcard!
Aaaaand, here are a few more funny pictures...
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